2014-05-29 Thursday

Alex and I were up this morning before 4 AM. Actually, I got up and, since Alex was sleeping on my legs, ` he was forced to get up also. My first recording about vital signs takes place before breakfast. Usually, before that, Alex and I have a cuddle session. This morning I decided to record part of that session. The results are this video:

Do not turn your servant away in anger,

    you who have been my help.

Do not cast me off, do not forsake me,

    O God of my salvation!

If my father and mother forsake me,

    the Lord will take me up.

Teach me your way, O Lord,

    and lead me on a level path

    because of my enemies.

Do not give me up to the will of my adversaries,

    for false witnesses have risen against me,

    and they are breathing out violence.

I believe that I shall see the goodness of the Lord

    in the land of the living.

Wait for the Lord;

    be strong, and let your heart take courage;

    wait for the Lord!

~ Psalms 27

Since Monday night, I have not slept well—at least not at night. During the day I have, as usual, I have napped quite a bit. I’ve been feeling a great sadness throughout the past five days. I’ve analyzed its cause; I think I know what started; but that doesn’t help me deal with the sadness. So I have advised myself using the prescription I would give a parishioner or a client in my counseling practice:

Do not analyze. It makes no difference what the cause is. Simply feel the sadness. It is temporary. It will soon depart.

As of tonight my sadness is still with me, to the point that it is close to a full depression. And so I pray:

Dear Lord, you are our refuge in good and in bad times. In your infinite mercy, bring peace and comfort to those of us who face days sometimes filled with pain and depression. Help us to realize that through you there is joy and the promise of lasting peace. Help us through the rough times. Walk before and beside us so that we may walk in your footsteps and reach out to you in our journey on this earth. Help us to focus on our blessings rather than our misfortunes, dear Lord. Thank you for hearing and answering our prayers. Amen

And I meditate. And I chant.

And I continue to do what I need to do. And to be gentle with myself. And to accept the curative love of my Kitty Kids.

        

July 3, 2013

Usually the third day of the month has me feeling great; however, today I find myself in really deep shit!

First, I checked my bank account and found that the deposit of my Social Security check is $177.00 short. I know where the money went: the Veterans Administration had the Treasury Department withhold $157.00 because I'm not paying the copay for my prescription medications fast enough. THe additional $20.00 is what the Treasury Department charges me for the privilege of withholding my money. 

SHIT!

OK, let me try to explain. When I first signed up for VA benefits I had no copay because I had no income. If you've followed my Nick's Bytes blog through the years, you may remember that there was a time back in 2007 when I was homeless and penniless. Encouraged by my eldest son, Nick III, I enrolled in VA benefits, which obtained for me much needed medical services. Since I had no income (and no money in the bank), there was no copay for services/ medications.

At the same time that I enrolled in VA services, again at the suggestion of Nick III, I applied for Social Security disability. I really did not think that I was disabled. Call that denial on my past, for I was immediately approved as "totally and permanently disabled" and within three months received my first Social Security benefit check. I have since turned 65-years-old and now receive regular Social Security.

Back to the VA: once I reported an income, I was required to pay the Veterans Administration a $6.00 copay for each prescribed medication per month. That was not financially difficult because back then I was prescribed only three medications: 2 for genetic depression  and one for diabetes plus the diabetes testing supplies. Since all VA prescriptions are provided in 90-day increments, I was paying a copay of only $24.00 every three months, which was very affordable.

However, the VA increased the copay to $8.00/month and, as you probably are probably aware, my health has declined greatly since 2007.  Now I take 16 prescribed medications so that the VA copay is  $128.00 per month which, since each medication is provided in 90 increments, comes to a billing of $384.00 t one time. I set up a schedule with VA that I would pay $100.00 per month, which is difficult on my limited income, but affordable. (I usually run out of money by the middle of each month).

All went well until about a year ago when my car broke down and I was forced to have it repaired  Therefore,  I was unable to pay the full $100.00. Since then, the VA periodically (like every two months) has the Treasury Department withhold anywhere from $150.00 to $200.00 from my Social Security. I never know when that will happen because I am not informed of it until after it is done.

Since January of this year, I have had $452.00 withhold from the Social Security checks. The $177.00 withheld this month is the largest ever. I have Medicare Rx supplemental insurance that can pay for medications, but the Veterans Administration refuses to accept it since Medicare in a federal program and some idiot regulation refuses to allow one federal agency to accept payment from another even though the insurance is through AARP, which is not a government agency.

If none of this makes sense to you, please understand that it makes no sense to me either. 

Sooooooo, baseline is that I begin this month with $177.00 less money than I expected. [sigh]

Please understand me: I am not bitching about the VA. The agency has saved my life. I am concerned that no matter how I try to make ends meet, no matter how much of my property I sell, I find that my "retirement" is far from comfortable. 

On a happier note, the kitty kids and Little Girl's kitten bring great joy into my life! Here are a few of the most recent photographs I have taken of Alex, Sugar, Little Girl and her 3 beautiful kittens:

Little Girl and a newborn kitten

Alex meets the newborn

A pile of kittens

Kittens' dinner

Aunt Sugar kitten-sits

This morning's first kitten pic



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July 1, 2013

I ran into an unfortunate situation on Facebook a few days ago. I ventilated about learning that Lendmark, the subsidiary of BBandT, my former bank, with whom I took out the damnable 34% loan to (1) pay the first home health care organization for groceries that I could not afford and (2) to obtain the necessary funds to move from my (foreclosed) house into this much more affordable apartment, has been adding charges totally $25.00 per month for seven months without my knowing it. I just needed to get it off my chest; however, a friend of a friend saw my post and offered "advice" in such a condescending manner that I sank into a deep depression.

If you have read Nick's Bytes through the years, you know about the depressive genetic depression I have inherited from the maternal side of my genes. If not, may I suggest that you read my 2007 Nick's Bytes blog post, Art Buchwald & Me: Please Understand Us?

I share the above as an explanation of my purpose in resurrecting this journal blog. For too long I have neglected blogging as I have used Facebook and Twitter to express myself. Unfortunately, neither of those outlets provide the freedom and latitude that blogging can. I could never have written what I have thus far in the post in either of them. 

Therefore, I have resurrected this blog!  I thank you for reading and urge you to comment. And, to check back tomorrow when I plan to have another post!

Day Ninety-nine

Today has not begun well! I'll not go into details now. Thus far by 9:30 AM the following has happened:

• I awakened at 6:AM to find Little Girl sitting outside my bedroom door and that the last of my oxygen tubing had been ripped open to the point that duct tape can't repair it. I am using bottled oxygen and the portable oxygen converter with a short hose until the oxygen folks arrive later today with replacements.
• My back hurts to the point that I can't stand or walk without great pain...
• so I'm sitting at my desk because the portable oxygen isn't compatible with my lift chair and it hurts too much to stand and make it compatible.
• For some unknown reason, last night Alex decided to defecate on the rung below his window perch.
• I'm into another fit of sneezing that the saline solution and blowing my nose doesn't stop.
• My agenda includes a couple of must-do items that are urgent, but I must be able to walk/drive to do them.

The good news is:

• the oxygen tubing is promised to be here by noon.
• my MD2U doc is to visit me at 1:00 PM.

Meanwhile, I have been able to feed the kitty kids and myself (a banana and my morning meds). The kids now eat regularly out of each other's food dishes, which make my feeding them much easier. Alex, however, still wants me to go to his dish and point out his food before he'll jump on his table and eat it. (Silly cat!)

After their breakfast, Sugar jumped on top of the printer, which sits beside my desk, and stared at me until I noticed her and placed on kitty treats on the printer top. Before she could eat them, Little Girl showed up and proceeded to eat Sugar's treats:

Sugar requested more treats. I gave her some more after Little Girl went exploring for some more trouble to get into.

Good news! I have ten replacement nose hoses, which is twice what I am allotted each month. Now if I can just keep the cats from chewing and clawing them.

A substitute MD2U PA visited me this afternoon. My regular PA had a baby two weeks ago and will be away another four or so weeks. I went over all of the medical stuff that has been bothering me the past several weeks and he said he'll call in two prescriptions, one antibiotic to deal with the infection in my lower left leg and one muscle relaxant for the pulled muscles in my lower back. 

He also confirmed that the nail on the big toe of my right leg in ingrown and needs attention. He can have someone visit me at my apartment, but it would cost me $35.00, which I don't have. I do have an appointment at the VA hospital in late December to have my toenails trimmed, so I telephoned and requested an earlier appointment. I've yet to receive a response from the VA.

As tomorrow's election draws near, I feel frightened and very anxious. If the GOP gains control of the federal government, I know I shall no longer have VA medical treatment and, in time, no Social Security income. The radical right-wing of the GOP has vowed to do away with both Social Security and the Veterans' Administration plus anything else that aids the poor, the elderly, and the infirm.

I am so sick of the deceit, deception, disinformation, and defamation of the GOP dirty tricks factory that thrown me into a deep depression, so deep that I can't watch TV and may even skip tonight's Monday Night Football. 

Day Seventy-eight

All is back to normal. That doesn't mean that all is well, just that S.N.A.F.U. 

Sugar has again escaped outside. At least she's now spayed. I think she'll come home when she's hungry.

Alex spotted a bird in the tree outside the window and tried to dig through the glass to get to it.

Little Girl is in heat for the first time and driving me wacky. 

I'm still not feeling well plus now I am very, very stressed. I have faith that my life will improve, (Soon, I hope).

It's about time for me to shut down for the night. It's been a stressful 36 hours. I'm still not feeling well, but my vital signs are all OK.

Sugar has yet to return home. Little Girl decided to walk circles on my torso as I watched college football. Alex is beside me on the desk; he's not paying any attention to me as he grooms himself.

Good night, folks.

Day Fifty

After yesterday's two very traumatic contacts with the Veterans Administration, my self esteem and self-confidence plummeted to a low that I have not had since I was broke and homeless seven years ago. I have recovered quite a bit since yesterday, but still need support in dealing with the abusive elements of the Veterans Administration.

At the moment I feel physically weak and a bit ill. But, if I am to continue to live free and outside of a nursing home, I must find ways to clean my home other than the VA, which is as oppressive as any other government bureaucracy.  

I'm still feeling ill. And depressed. I am tired from fighting big corporations and bureaucracies for the right to live. There is no way to win. And I am very, very tired.

A few minutes ago I read the documentation that came with the new medication I began last night. The initial side effects, which are suppose to end after a week or two, include drowsiness, depression and suicidal thoughts. That accounts for a lot of what I'm feeling; I hope the side effects disappear quickly!

 I think I could probably live without the caregivers; only a few of the many I've had provided the care they were hired to do. The problem with being 100% on my own is standing on my left leg: I can only manage it for 10 or so minutes before it is too painful and weak to hold me up. Then I must be off of it for at least 20 minutes. 

I am very tired. It has been months since I have had no stress to prevent my sleep. All of it is taking a great toll on me.

Day Forty-nine

This is a short post:

I ask (and wish that you would ask, too): 

Why does the VA say "Thank you for serving" while at the same time screwing veterans?

Day Twenty-five

Today I am attempting telephone contacts with government bureaucrats and lackeys of the 1%. I'm have a difficult time not becoming depressed.

Thus far today I've been unable to reach the bureaucrats with whom I've needed to speak at VA. I have spoken with someone at Montgomery Ward and my account has supposed been corrected to show PAID IN FULL. 

I don't know how long I can sit here doing this!

A CODE ORANGE AIR QUALITY ALERT FOR OZONE HAS BEEN ISSUED BY THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE FOR THE LOUISVILLE METRO AREA. MEMBERS OF SENSITIVE GROUPS MAY EXPERIENCE HEALTH EFFECTS.

Unfortunately, I am a member of two of those Sensitive Groups!

I'm giving up on the phone calls I've been making most of today. Since I'm not getting through to anyone at VA with whom I need to talk and Ma Bell only gets me robots and then people who can't assist me and who transfer me to another damned robot, I'm going to save my sanity, relax, and try again tomorrow.

This seems to come from the same "scientific reasoning" as the one Atkin used concerning rape:

Todd Akin would have made an excellent member of the Inquisition. 

I just prublished this graphic in my primary blog, Nick's Bytes:

With his engineering and managerial experience, Republican U.S. Representative William Todd Akin would have made an excellent witch hunter

This evening I am feeling an anxiety that is pushing me down into depression. It isn't what I can do or can't do that drives me into depression, it's the threats and power of idiot bureaucrats, politicians, religious freaks, and the lackeys of the 1% do that frighten me.